Baby Ten Commandments

So, as I posted below, I have a new baby son - 4 weeks old right now - and I've decided that if babies wrote the ten commandments for their parents they would go something like this:

1) Thou shalt not be comfortable. If you are sitting, I want you to stand. If you are standing I want you to rock. If you are rocking, it must be in a complex rhythm of my choosing and that change whenever I please.

2) Thou shalt not be clean. That shirt, those pants, they don't have any bodily fluids on them. I will change that immediately.

3) Thou shalt not enjoy a hot meal. If your meal is hot, you must eat it too quickly to enjoy it. If you have the time to enjoy it, I will ensure that I enjoy MY meal first.

4) Thou shalt not sleep soundly. If I am not crying to be fed or changed, I will make weird noises to keep you up. I'm not choking - but I COULD be - so don't even think about deep sleep.
5) Thou shalt not have a conversation. Who's the center of attention here anyway? Stop talking and rock me.

6) Thou shalt not be on time. I planned it that way. I will be hungry or have a soiled diaper right before you have to go anywhere. If that doesn't work, see number 2.

7) Thou shalt repeat my age to all. It's a mind trick we babies play. All who come within our range will be forced to ask, "How old is he?"

8) Thou shalt always change me twice. I will inevitably fill a diaper immediately after you put it on.

9) Thou shalt be ever afraid on the changing table. I will go as soon as my diaper is off - no sooner. Unless you stand there waiting in order to be absolutely 100% sure that there's no more in there. In that case, see number 8. Also number 2.

10) Thou shalt love me. Despite commandments one through nine, you will find me cute, adorable, wonderful, marvelous and everything you've always hoped.