A Father's Voice: Affection

I'm going to be a father - again! Woohoo! My son is going to have a sibling, which I think is great for all involved. That doesn't really have anything to do with this post, but it does add additional weight and relevance for me - my responsibility has just doubled.

Figuring out this thing called "fatherhood" can be tough for those of us without any formal training. "Formal training?" you ask, "Who has formal training?" Well, nobody I know, but it seems like it would be a pretty good idea. My knowledge comes from observing my father and others', which I was fortunate to have. Many men don't even have a father to look to, and others have poor examples. Even given a good example, however, the training we receive is completely colored by the fact that we children. We aren't consciously learning about fatherhood, we just sort of absorb it and then try to reach back when suddenly it is us witch children.

I have no idea what formalized father-training would look like, but I'm sure there are universal things children need and look for in a father. Additionally, as the representative of God the Father to our children, there is added gravity. The view of our Heavenly Father which our children develop is heavily influenced by their view of earthly fathers. My desire is to accurately represent The Father to the best of my ability, which brings me to this week's topic: affection.

In American society, male affection, especially for other males, is extremely reserved. Handshakes replace hugs and kisses just don't happen except for the very young. This reservation is, I think, somewhat detrimental particularly as it concerns our sons. Children seek physical contact for reassurance and security and it is the earliest forms of communication they understand. We hold babies to comfort them when they cry and toddlers when they are scared but somewhere along the way the physical bond becomes distant dissolving into high-fives, pats on the back, handshakes or, for the very affectionate, a side-hug.

If Jesus' story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11ff) were told in modern day America, the father would see the son coming from a great distance, run out to greet him and promptly stick out his hand and say, "welcome home, son!" with a hearty handshake. Then, draping one arm over his sons shoulder he would usher him home for a hearty feast. I just have a hard time picturing God greeting me with a handshake. This is the Father that Jesus called "Abba", the Hebrew equivalent of "daddy." Jesus' picture rings truer to me, "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."

It is my belief that we lose much when we restrain our affections for our sons in particular. The loss is increased by the fact that we tend to reserve our verbal affections as well. Our reservation and stoicism is a hard cultural bond to break, but I think we would do well to break it. As I mentioned above, physical affection is likely the earliest form of communication we understand. That language does not disappear once we learn to speak. An embrace speaks volumes (even to adults!) without the need to ever utter a word.

Affection awakens our emotions to one another and builds intimacy. It is a physical and verbal expression of how we feel towards each other - something that should come easily between family and friends. Withholding affection, I think, leads to, if not coldness, an appearance of coldness. The invitation of a handshake or verbal greeting is substantively different than a hug. It creates distance and insulates us from intimacy.

While I think a greater intimacy with one another is a good and necessary thing and a result of affection, the greater benefit comes when we approach the throne of our Father. If we are able to exhibit and receive affection in the natural world, we will be better equipped to give and receive it in the supernatural. Our heavenly Father has great affection for us, but unless we are able and willing to receive it, that affection will not be manifest. God longs for our affection as well - a father wants to know that his love is reciprocated.

As we show affection for our children, so they will learn to give and receive affection. So hug your children today and tomorrow and the day after that. Tell them you love them and let them have no doubt about it. Whether they are 2 or 32, sons and daughters want to know they are loved and cared for by their fathers. Let them know.